So, it begins again. 2015 will see the battle of the meds. Drugs fight dirty.
Today saw the first visit of the year to my consultant. Every time I see him, I leave feeling worse than when I arrived. He is an odious little man. He has no answers and he almost seems proud of that fact. I want answers, of course I do. Do I think there is an immediate answer for every ailment or symptom? Of course I don’t. What I do expect is a commitment to try to find answers and try to help me manage my condition successfully. Is that too much to ask? I left the hospital feeling despondent, hopeless and fearful. The tears began on the bus.
2015. What will it bring? Well, I know now it’s going to bring changes to medication. I know that the weaning off process will begin soon and the introduction of something different will begin. It’s not a short hop, it’s a long haul. It’s a battle I’ve fought many times and it’s a battle that’s brought me to my knees many times. But, who knows, maybe this time will be different. Maybe. It always looks like rain, especially if you look at the clouds. I heard this somewhere a while back It’s true though, don’t you think?
Epilepsy. It’s a piece of my jigsaw. It’s woven into the fabric of my life. It’s a special thread. All the other threads are bound to it. Sometimes the strand is thin and easily supported by the other threads and sometimes the strand is coarse and it’s hard to hold it in place. 2015 will be an exercise of pulling the threads of my life into position to support the rough battle that’s coming. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.
A new year should bring new hope. It doesn’t matter when that new year starts, it doesn’t have to be January 1st. After all, as I’ve said before time doesn’t exist, only timepieces. So, as the dark of what we call night deepens, it will without fail, be followed by a period of light. So it is with life. We only know joy because we’ve lived through pain. We know peace because we’ve experienced struggle. And so it will be in 2015.
My mind and body have been through a lot. It’s the same for most people. There are few of us in this life who have lived untouched by struggles of some description. I owe it to my mind and body to fight the best I can for them. I have spent a long time seemingly putting my life into the hands of others. Making them responsible for my health. I always thought that I was doing the best I could for myself, but perhaps that isn’t true. Perhaps I haven’t shouldered enough of the responsibility for the shape I’m in?
This isn’t 2015. This is year-1. It didn’t start 8 days ago, it begins right now. The medical profession aren’t responsible for my health, I am. Perhaps, he is a repulsive little man, but I don’t know what battles the consultant is fighting. I have no control over him, I can only steer myself. My brain is special. It malfunctions and yet it keeps going. It proves its power multiple times a day, every single day and I feel if the electricity could be harnessed I could probably light up the dark. Funny really, because that’s all I’ve ever wanted to do.
Year-1 is hope renewed. It’s accepting the inevitable while participating in the process. The battle is inevitable, but I can actively influence how I choose to feel about it. What is this thing called life if we consciously choose to let it unfold as it will without putting the rudder in the water and trying to steer it? Life. It’s an attitude. I want my year-1 to be a fresh start. My epilepsy is hard to control, I’ve always known that. The fatigue is something relatively new and just as I’ve had to learn to live side-by-side with the falling sickness, I have to learn to manage the fatigue. Simple.
I hope your year-1 is as special as I’m determined to make mine.