The weird anxiety just won’t leave me alone. It’s kind of a mixture of that cold feeling of fear, the one that leaves you clammy despite the frigid blood creeping through your veins, a tightness across your chest as if you’re wearing an iron waistcoat that’s too small and a pulsing heart that’s beating too fast. I keep testing myself to try to make sure I’m compos mentis and to convince myself that a seizure isn’t waiting in the wings.
I just want to stay in bed.
I’m too scared to though. I have to keep pushing myself to make sure. Now, normally I don’t need much of an excuse to stay in bed, especially when it’s bloody freezing AND Sunday. But today, that felt sort of dangerous. So, I cooked. I cleaned. I cooked a bit more. I tried to study, but couldn’t settle to it. I tried to read, but couldn’t focus. I tried to write, but the words were too dark. I cooked some more. I tried to watch movies but couldn’t follow the plot. I tried to listen to music, but the sounds plucked incessantly on the wrong nerve. So, I cooked some more.
My fridge is full, my freezer is full. I’ve more soda bread than I know what to do with. Yet, there’s nothing I want to eat. We all have days when nothing sits right. I know that. I know there are those that think I’m just being daft and maybe I am. Those that think I’m just being dramatic and maybe I am. But I know that this feeling can precede a fit. And I know I’m not switched on enough to recognise the difference between this weirdness and the “real” weirdness.
I really just want to stay in bed!
Epilepsy can be such a sneaky little bugger! There are days when it feels like I could announce to the world that I’m going to have a fit, and nothing happens. Then there are days when I convince myself that I’m over-reacting, over-tired and then, bam!, I’m in hospital. There are days I get the feelings even more muddled and I want to package epilepsy up and mark it “return to sender” and take it to the post office. Where would it go?
Part of the anxiety, I know is down to an ongoing situation that I seem to be completely incapable of dealing with. It’s slowly coming to a head for me. Something has to give and I know it will be me that has to end the perpetuation. I feel like my hand is being forced and I don’t like it. It’s making me anxious because I know there isn’t going to be a good outcome. It’s a different kind of anxiety to the one that’s been invading my mind the past few days though. It’s sort of an acceptable anxiety because I know what it is and I know that I could do something about it, if I wasn’t so soft! But, this unease is different in nature. It’s darker and the core is invisible to me. I don’t know if the cause is epileptic in nature or if my terrors just feel the need to haunt me. To taunt me, knowing I can’t spot the telltale signs that a seizure is coming. It’s gang warfare in my brain. The acknowledged versus the unknown. Fear is hitching a ride with the unknown. It’s a terrible recipe.
Maybe I should have stayed in bed!