What an awful week.
I don’t know what happened. I don’t know when it happened. The result has been that I lost approximately 36 hours. I came to last Sunday, believing it to be Saturday. Very confused, very bruised and an extremely badly bitten tongue. The headache and the fatigue is still lingering. My tongue is taking an absolute age to feel better.
I can’t really remember what happened at the sleep clinic. I’m struggling to try to recall anything that’s happened lately. I’m trying to stay positive and I’m trying to convince myself that the memories will come back. I wasn’t expecting this episode.
That’s a bit of a daft thing to say, because I never expect to seize, but it just seems too soon after the last one. Maybe I’ve grown too used to fitting relatively rarely, I’m just not feeling prepared at all. My mouth is really painful. I almost bit my tongue right through and it’s making me pay. There are teeth marks all around the edges of my tongue and a few splits where my teeth have nearly gone right through the flesh. I can also feel a few fresh chips in the enamel; ones that weren’t there a week ago.
There is bruising on my head and there are deep scratches down my sides. I don’t even know where in my flat I was when I the episode happened. I do know that I was very sick when I came to. Everything aches and my heart feels heavy. I’m fed up. I was looking forward to last weekend and I lost the entire day I was looking forward to most. There was no-one with me, no-one to ask what happened? No-one to talk it through with. No-one to dry the tears, no-one to tell me it’s all going to be ok. I feel very alone. I feel very lonely.
So, what’s going to happen now?
Unsurprisingly, I’m all over the place. My confidence is knocked. Really knocked. I’m trying to tell myself that this is what happens, that I know this is what happens, but it doesn’t seem real. I know that I’m always out of sorts after a fit. I know that. But I feel different. Just how out of kilter I feel, I guess, remains to be seen. I know I’m still a bit confused with my days, I keep thinking I’ll be ok once I’ve slept, but then I’m not. I can’t remember how long this will last.
Oh epilepsy. Why me?