Everyone is entitled to a second chance, right? A chance to pick back the pieces and build new connections? I think that has to be true. I don’t really know how I feel about that in the context of evil people, but right now, they don’t really concern me.
So this is the first kinda proper musing since I plucked up the courage to change what has worked for me – Epilepsy and … – and turn it in a new direction. Those particular puzzle pieces worked beautifully for me, but now they aren’t so easy to push into place. It’s time to take a new chance in a new direction. This is something I’ve been procrastinating over for far too long.
Procrastination is something I do bloody brilliantly, even if I say so myself!! If I can put something off, I totally will. I’m not sure I even do it deliberately. I think all my latent fears and worries are so ingrained that they do it for me! So changing the way I write this blog, for example, it’s something I’ve turned over in my mind for a very long, long time. But I was worried about how it will be received? I mean, how could I go from writing about how one particular aspect of my life affects me, to writing about, well, how life affects me? That’s when it kinda dawned on me, that I’m being daft. Epilepsy is a part of my life, but it’s not my whole life and I was really writing about that anyway. So, what difference would it make to just change the titles of the blog posts?? That’s really it. Oh and spending hours trying to figure out how to make the new blog posts go on a different page! A tech-whizz, I am not! So, if you know how to keep the previous blog posts on one page and direct the new ones to the new page, please feel free to drop me a line – I’m clueless. What I did, finally, figure out is how to make the new posts go on a new page (categories rule!) but not how to stop them still appearing on the Epilepsy and … page. Heyho. Into each life, a little rain must pour – right?!
So, my jigsaw. I think most of the pieces are in the right place to date. Most of them. I know some of them aren’t sitting comfortably and so they will need to be unpicked. I don’t expect this to be something I find particularly easy to do, so I guess I’ll just have to take my time. The first thing I need to do is accept that they are in the wrong place. I can’t force it anymore. Forcing them, or rather forcing the actions that they represent, is becoming too draining. I know in my heart that they aren’t right, but making the changes seems too overwhelming, too hard and too downright scary! I do know, however, that those pieces need to be in a different part of my life. They need to be attached to the past. The pieces, I believe, are correct for my life, they have served a purpose, but they are not in the right place. Other elements in my jigsaw have built up around them and proved that, while at the time, it seemed like they were a perfect fit, they simply aren’t. I’ve spent a great deal of time and far too much energy pretending that they are.
There is a lot going on in the world right now. War, famine, new presidents, old leaderships, protests, acquiescence, ignorance and fear. The world seems like a more vulnerable place to me than it did even a just a couple of years ago. The feeling of a global hope is something that seems like a far-fetched fantasy right now. That’s my feeling. I watched the inauguration of the new President of the United States the other day. As I watched and tried to comprehend the speeches, I was struck by something entirely different. I don’t think it was my imagination, it very much seemed to me that there was a lady standing up there who simply did not want to be there. A lady who seemed completely terrified at the position she was occupying and one who firmly believed she shouldn’t be there and didn’t want to be associated with it. That lady finds herself standing next to POTUS. She stands next to her man, rightly, because she married him. But I kinda wonder if the reasons why she married him were running around her mind. Maybe she is waking up and thinking about her jigsaw and how the merry hell it ever came to this! She will forever now, be compared to the ladies that have come before her. And probably to the ones that come after her too. Her position, to me, seemed even more painful because of the speech the outgoing POTUS made about his lady wife taking a role she didn’t ask for and making it her own. I found myself wondering how the present FLOTUS is going to do that, or even if she will. I felt for that lady standing up there. That lady who is lying in the bed she made, but under the duvet she probably didn’t want. That lady is now bound by something more than a marriage vow. I thought she looked lonely and scared.
There are lots of sayings that sort of fit with how that lady is where she is. They apply to her and they apply to all of us. The first one that springs to mind is “you reap as you sow”. What you put out and lay the foundations for are what you will gain in return. Yet, it just isn’t as simple as that. We all know how it feels to put our heart and soul into something, only to find that it fails or isn’t reciprocated. (Reciprocated. One of my favourite words). What does that mean in real terms? Well, I can’t be 100% sure because god knows I’ve put my heart and soul into a lot of things and got, what feels like, nada in return. But what I think it means, is that if it’s the right action, at the right time and for the right reason, then the reward will be bountiful. But if it isn’t, then reward is in the form of a lesson learned. Those lessons are bloody difficult. It’s often nearly impossible to pick up all the scattered pieces of a broken heart and dream and accept that all the effort was merely for a lesson. My personal experience has been that its far easier to pick up the bits that are within reach, leave the other bits behind and retreat. Retreat and stay afraid of the same outcome and so not try again. Does that make sense? If I’m being honest, though, that approach hasn’t really got me far.
So my jigsaw. It’s a work in progress. That’s the best way I can describe it. There are some bloody lovely parts, there are some not so pleasant pieces and there are too many bits in the wrong place for my liking. I find I can no longer live comfortably with that knowledge. It’s time to pick them up, turn them over and around and have the courage to place them where they truly belong. Then thrust myself back into the box of pieces, there are millions of them, run my hand over a few of them and choose some new parts. I can do that. Life is full of chances and opportunities after all. If I’m not in that metaphorical box of pieces, then I can’t take advantage of those that are there for the taking.
Life is a choice. Life is a chance.