If wishes were horses…

…beggars would ride, but it’s the squeaky wheel that gets the grease.

I love a wee idiom or two.

I’ve been trying to find an idiom I could use to make light of (because god knows there seems to be no reason) or would aptly describe my latest medical mystery. A sight for sore eyes maybe? That could, at a real push, be sort of manipulated to mean that an answer, a proper answer, an answer with a definite yes or robust no, would really be very welcome now. The situation is really getting on my last (optic!) nerve.

It’s not my last (optic) nerve yet. The prognosis doesn’t look encouraging though.

So the results of the tests that I talked about here, are back. Sort of. The X-rays were “clear”. Clear of what I’m unsure of and frankly too scared and tired to ask. This time I actually got seen by the ophthalmologist I should have been with on my last trip to the hospital! Maybe that’s the miracle I’ve been waiting for? More likely he couldn’t find a minion…Anyway, after announcing the “good news” about the chest x-rays – I have one, that’s good news and it’s “clear” so I should be grateful for small mercies; I thought the only way is up! I allowed myself to feel hope! After all, it was the x-rays and the bloods that were determining my future! The bloods were also claimed to be a combination of “fine” and “inconclusive” so I felt quite secure in my hope. Then, in the blink of an eye (haha) he ripped my comfort from under me.

Sod.

After examining my eyes. Again. Then repeating it. Then numbing the eyes with the horror that is the “yellow liquid”. He starts to make noises such as “hmm” and “well”. The cold feeling is back in my chest. (I suspect they can’t see a cold feeling on an X-ray). I wanted to weep. However, my eyes were already crying lemon tears and the numbness was having none of it! Apparently, the optic nerve in my right eye is deteriorating. This is new. It has always been the left eye that has the caused the most concern. The right, while not a particularly happy little bunny, was trying its best to be good. I asked the obvious question – what??? (Said in a slightly high-pitched, very unbecoming, almost screech like tone). You were only supposed to tell me that I don’t have ocular sarcoidosis, you weren’t meant to be introducing more problems!!

Apparently, he’s not sure why it’s deteriorating. So, he says we need to look at the previous images taken of your eyes. Sounds reasonable I think. Do a comparison. See what has changed. Until he asks me if I have them. Numb eyeballs are trying to do a shocked expression. I can feel the expression in my soul, but bloody eyes are yellow and not playing by the rules. No, I don’t. But they are right there in your little computer that houses my bloody medical records that are now resembling an A4, small print, pdf version of War and Peace, but with the emphasis very firmly on war! The numbness in my eyes spreads to my mouth. This is an unfamiliar feeling for me. I’m not often lost for words. He then seems to come to the same conclusion himself but decides he can’t really decide what the images are showing and he needs to confer with one of my neurologists. And there was me thinking I was actually in the presence of an ophthalmology god. Silly me.

So, my temporary dumbness dissipates and I ask him what it all means. Apparently, it all means jargon. Followed by a bit more jargon and with a generous sprinkling of not sures. It could be demyelination associated with MS that may require an intervention (I do not know how many times I’ve heard that term when describing my conditions) but if it isn’t that, then he doesn’t really know. They don’t think its NMO, they don’t think its Ocular Sarcoidosis, but it could be another type of optic neuritis, but what type remains a mystery. I wonder if they get paid by repeat visit based commissions….?

I wish I had an answer. Actually, any answer will do right now, as long as it’s the final one. It doesn’t even have to be a pleasant one, but this not knowing what I’m dealing with is just hellish. I don’t feel my sight has got any worse and I’m still dog-tired, so nothing much has changed there. So, this news came as a bit of a blow. And its news that has no immediate answer. I don’t know how to deal with that. If my nerve is going to continue to deteriorate and I’m going to lose my vision in that eye, then I want to know. Now. I want to be able to prepare. Train the cats to be guide dogs (then take them to the office as such hehe) or at the very least make a viable plan for the rest of my life. (Sounds dramatic, but it’s how I feel therefore it’s valid). As it is, I’m just about back to square one.

The only real difference between square one and now is that I do have MS, I do suffer from incredible fatigue (as opposed to the general knackered-ness I used to feel), and I glow bright red twice a day (thanks drugs!).

So, I wish for answers, but until I get them I shall continue to be that squeaky wheel that keeps making enough noise that it really irritates those that have to listen to it, but might be just loud enough for someone medical to do something about it.

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