One of the final dialogues in the 3rd Night at the Museum movie, always makes me think. Larry the Nightguard says to Theodore Roosevelt “I don’t know what I’m going to do tomorrow!” Teddy replies “How exciting!!”
Not everything has to be planned to the final second. Sometimes, a bit of uncertainty can be liberating. Perhaps we have all got a little too used to planning our time to the Nth degree and panicking when it does not all quite go accordingly. My plan for today, for example, went belly up when I fell back asleep after my alarm went off. I didn’t plan that. It threw me for most of the rest of the day because I couldn’t then persuade myself to start on all the things I’d planned to do. I ended up actually completely wasting my time doing nothing. I flapped and I let a small thing like sleeping in, mess with me for the rest of the day. Actually, it would only truly impact me for about an hour. The rest of the waste was caused by my reaction to even a minor detour from the plan! Ridiculous.
Yet, I need some structure. If I didn’t have at least an idea of what I’m going to be doing, and when, I’d truly never get anything done. And so it is, I find myself at 1.05am, trying to plan the rest of my life. Just tomorrow isn’t good enough for me. I like to make grand sweeping plans, so I can beat myself up when I don’t achieve them. This breaking goals down into actions shit, just doesn’t seem to happen for me!
I find myself in a situation whereby my home is falling apart, my body is falling apart and my mind is just blown. I can’t seem to see past my daily struggles and they’re getting pretty overwhelming for me. I don’t know how much of that is down to me being in all-out panic mode and how much of it actually is something I should absolutely be concerned about. I don’t want to talk to anyone in case I find out something else I don’t want to know. I answered the phone today to hear that my critical illness claim (you know, the one that is going to help me manage my future with MS) is certainly not going to pay out the amount I claimed for (and am insured for) because of small print and technicalities. I don’t know for certain yet that it will be paid at all. My GP surgery only sent my notes for this past year, the insurance firm wants to go back a little further and that apparently means they are waiting for the surgery to send on another 70 pages of my medical records. (Bet they’re glad they requested another 6 months worth now eh!)
The work on my flat to try to fix the dry rot is now scheduled for January. I have to move out with my kitties so the work can happen. I’m hoping to go and stay in a cottage far away with a good friend, a crate of wine and a log fire. I truly need that distance from reality right now. The past 12 months of my life have been far too real for my liking and I stick by what I wailed at my brother a few weeks ago – I can’t take any more. I cried a lot today. Now, I know that this time of year, in general, is pretty difficult for me. All the good cheer and festive fun, just makes me feel more depressed. Several aspects to that. First, it just brings into stark contrast the total lack of fun in my life right now. Secondly, I’ve never been a fan of this season. Thirdly, it’s all just a bit too wild and raucous for me in my middle-age! I really am turning into a pretty grumpy old(er) lady. I can’t really tell you when all these seasonal feelings started. I can’t really remember the last time in adulthood at least that I truly, out-and-out, thoroughly enjoyed Christmas. It just seems like the same stress as for the rest of the year, except its much more expensive and failure to provide the perfect present is simply not an option.
Due to unfortunate circumstances, Christmas Day, this year, was held on Boxing Day. That just served to prolong my agony. I just want it all to be over. In fact, I want it to be February. By then, the silly season is over, I should know the true extent of my poverty and I can berate myself about the plans I made at 1.05am being utterly inadequate for my position. Then I can make new plans, that I won’t stick to and I can repeat the cycle all over again. I find myself wondering when I will get off the hamster wheel and take action, rather than just talk and plan for it!!