I can’t seem to stop considering the notion/truth that Lobelia is me and I am Lobelia.
I know it’s only 10pm, so a little early(!) to be pondering these kinds of questions, but well, the voices simply don’t quit. So, Lobelia. Let’s consider for a moment if you would indulge me, what we are to each other. You, the grey matter. The control panel. The marionettist. The keeper of all the technical secrets. Me, the package. She who must be controlled. If you didn’t have me, then what would you have? If I didn’t have you, what would I be? Do I have a choice? Do you control whether I have a choice? Am I the conscious manifestation of the brain? Is the brain the subconscious, or does it just contain the subconscious? If I can tap into the subconscious, can I tap into the wiring? Is subconscious just wiring? Is it that which is felt so very deeply it can not be brought into consciousness? It’s there though. Like the networks that bring the internet. Invisible forces that are there and can be tapped into and even rerouted, but can’t be seen.
Bloody hell, Lobelia. You’re laying it on a bit thick tonight and we haven’t even reached the witching hour yet!
We can’t be apart and we struggle to live together. I don’t know if the struggle is real or imagined. There is a constant high-pitched, low volume sound that is in my head. I can hear it, but it’s not outside of me. It’s actually there all the time. It’s like a whistle that never stops. It’s the soundtrack to our battle. I don’t recommend it. What part of my brain is controlling my thoughts? When I say “my thoughts”, who am I talking about? Lobelia or Kirsty. If the brain is asking all the questions, then, if we are as one, why am I the one trying to answer them?
When the electrical activity in the neuron network gets to be too much, that’s when a seizure occurs. Neurotransmitters are the chemical reactions that carry signals between the synapses in the brain. Synapses are effectively a narrow gap, and boy do I mean narrow, between neurons in the brain. So, even though the seizures are the result of an electrical charge it’s the chemicals that carry the signals between the neurons. Neurotransmitters are either excitatory or inhibitory, meaning that the receiving neuron will be either be kicked into action or it will effectively be silenced. The main excitatory neurotransmitter in the brain is glutamate, and neurons that release glutamate are called excitatory neurons. The major inhibitory one is GABA and neurons that release GABA are the inhibitory neurons.
Glutamate we know better as a salt. But in Lobelia it’s the anion of glutamic acid in its role as a neurotransmitter. GABA is another acid that is supposed to be kind of calming, I suppose, and it should reduce fear and anxiety. Hence it’s inhibitory function as a neurotransmitter. GABA can be taken as a supplement and salt, well salt is salt.
An incredibly fine balance between excitation and inhibition must be maintained in order for Lobelia to function normally. If there is too much glutamate, neurons can become hyperexcitable and a seizure may result but neurons can also become hyperexcitable if there is too little GABA released or if its receptors are not working properly, this can also make the adjoining neurons hyperactive and susceptible to seizures.
I only know all this because Lobelia won’t let me sleep!
So, the neurons are in the brain and the nerves, which are just a bundle of fibres, are in the periphery of the nervous system. So, that the bits that hang out of your brain, as it were, via the spinal cord. Whatever the neurons are feeling, excited or not, is felt by the nerves and the nerve impulses are what cause your muscles to move. Now, if you’re having a seizure, the neurons are over-excited and sending all sorts of signals down through the nerves. The signals are confused though. This is why jerking or twitching is often part of the seizure. The muscles are so confused by the signals that they try to push and pull at the same time, as it were, hence the jerking. This is also why the body feels pain, but the brain doesn’t. The nerve endings aren’t in the brain, but the rub is while it doesn’t feel pain, the brain gives the signal to feel pain in the rest of the body.
I need to butter Lobelia…she is on a roll!
And, this brings me to MS. There is a fatty insulating layer surrounding the nerves called the myelin sheath. In MS, this sheath is attacked by cells that strip off the layer and leave the nerves unprotected. Now, an unprotected nerve gets its signals confused. I suppose parts of the signal just drift out of the sheath into the bodily ether. So, sometimes the complete signal doesn’t reach the relevant muscle and so, the sufferer is left unable to move a limb for example, or the nerve tries to anticipate what the signal was trying to do and replicates a feeling that it had before. This means the sufferer may feel incredible weakness or a numbness. The nerve knows that they are common feelings, but it chooses to activate them at inappropriate times.
For me, all of this means that not only is there a problem with excitable neurons in my brain, it’s compounded by stripped nerves, confused as to what they are doing anyway, having to contend with an electrical surge too!
Bloody hell. No wonder I’m depressed! (Maybe I’ll get to that chemical reaction later…, although hopefully not tonight!)
But if I know all this, then so does Lobelia. Is this her way of trying to educate me in neuroscience so I can make better choices? If so, why can’t she just make me not want wine? Or think that kale is the best thing since sliced bread? Why Lobelia? Just why?
Lobelia and me. Chicken and egg. Perhaps even incompatible yet inseparable.
Don’t walk behind me; I may not lead. Don’t walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend. So said Albert Camus and so say I to you Lobelia.